Don’t Judge Someone Who Takes Back a Cheating Partner

Have you ever judged somebody who took back a cheating partner? Have you ever thought of someone to be absolutely insane for trying to reconcile with their partner after finding out they have been unfaithful? I know I have and it was only until I went through my own experience of infidelity and being cheated on that my whole perspective changed.

I have witnessed couples deal with infidelity as an outsider and also as a person being cheated on by someone I was married to in the past. As an outsider, I used to judge others without seeing the full picture and I would let it get to me, upsetting myself over a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with me. As an insider, it was a whole different story and I finally understood why anybody would want to reconcile with their unfaithful partners.

I want to share with you how you can help someone going through this difficult time without judgement, without anger and most importantly without risking your own relationship with your loved ones just because they want to take a cheating partner back. We have to open our hearts and see the situation from both sides and from different angles before we proceed with giving our advice and opinions without judgement.

To stay or to leave?

Anyone who has experienced a relationship with infidelity knows the pain of choosing whether to stay or to leave. Both are equally hard and painful decisions especially when there are children involved. In my case, an unborn baby.

Every situation is different and what works for one couple may not necessarily work for another, whether it is to file for divorce and end the relationship for good or to completely forgive a partner in order to move forward. Trying to encourage your loved one to leave a cheating spouse or partner behind or encourage them to stay in the relationship is much more difficult than you think.

Whether a couple chooses to stay or to leave the relationship is ultimately up to them. We have to allow couples to seek out their own answers and work together on their own issues. If a couple decides to stay together after infidelity, an immense effort is required on both sides and it will take a large amount of work emotionally. It will never work if the effort is one-sided.

As outsiders, we must be mature enough to respect their decisions and give them the space they need in order to heal. It may or may not work out in the end, but at least giving them the space they need allows them to see the situation through to the end themselves. Remember that having judgement and criticism placed on top of a very difficult situation makes everything harder for your loved one to deal with.

My experience and how I stopped judging others

It was very hard for me to process the betrayal when I first found out, especially with being pregnant at the same time. My emotions were all over the place and I must have gone through the entire spectrum of emotions available in the human body within the shortest amount of time. Deciding whether to stay or to leave the relationship while still trying to process what was happening and under shock was not really a decision to make at the time.

However, I realized later that the decision was pretty much made up for me.

I gave the man who hurt me many chances to rectify the marriage and to keep the family unit together but every single chance given came hurtling back to me at full speed. There was no remorse shown at his end and there was no fight to save the marriage but right at that moment I still wanted everything to go back to how it was. The majority couldn’t believe why I would want to reconcile but there were a sparse few who wanted us to make it work, especially for the sake of our unborn baby.

For any relationship to work after infidelity, there has to be a mutual decision to fix the relationship. As I have already mentioned, it will not work if it is only one sided. I tried everything I could to save the marriage but as no effort was made on his side to stop being unfaithful and no effort made to treat me better, I knew I had to let him go.

Filing for divorce was the best decision I ever made and this was validated further over the years when even more information about his betrayal and his actions were revealed to me. I was with a man who I realized didn’t love me at all, used me and who didn’t love himself.

Don’t mistake loving oneself with narcissism, egoistic behavior and pride of oneself. This was a person who could cause others so much pain and wouldn’t understand why they were hurting. This was a person who couldn’t see right from wrong and who would blame others for everything that went wrong in his life. This was someone who didn’t know how to accept responsibility.

You can read my article “Getting rid of toxic people” to identify the traits of toxic and negative beings.

By releasing myself from this toxic relationship, I could then start to attract real love and blessings into my life. It took a lot of time to work on myself and I finally understood from this experience why anyone would take back their cheating partners.

I know it is incredibly hard to let go of a relationship with someone that you’ve built history with over the years. It is hard to let go of someone you once felt safe and comfortable with. It’s hard to let go of someone you love no matter who they are. It’s hard to let go of that perfect family fairy tale that you’ve dreamed of for so long, where the ideal family is supposed to be together forever. That was all me.

Losing Judgement

I stopped judging others because I’ve witnessed it from their point of view and I was in their shoes. I know now the real pain they were going through and the difficult decisions they have to make. Being judged can be a painful experience for anybody.

Looking back now I knew that I just wasn’t in the right state of mind to decide what was best for me. I could not have handled judgement and criticism by anyone on top of everything I was already going through.

Of course there were some judgement that came by but I was so lucky to have support from incredible people who stood by me no matter what I did. I felt that that deep down they knew I had to ultimately choose the decisions I was faced with.

Whatever opinions they had would be said in the nicest way possible, or sometimes not said at all. I was given the space I needed and when I wanted to be with them they would be there all the time. They flowed with me through my ups and downs, knew when to back up and never forced anything upon me. I am still so, so grateful today.

What you can do for a loved one experiencing infidelity

• Be supportive. Be there for them, lovingly give your advice without judgement and listen to what they want to say.
• Be sensitive. There’s no harm giving your advice or your opinions but be sensitive and careful with your words. Remember you are dealing with somebody who is already going through enough pain and who is trying to process what is happening or what has just happened.
• Be respectful. Respect the decisions that others are making, even if you may not agree with it.
• Give space. Know when to give your loved one the space they need. You can also show your support from a distance and let them know that you are there whenever they need you.
• Be smart. Read the signs if your loved one is in an abusive relationship which will need extra care when being dealt with. You do not want to put them in more danger than they are already in. Speak to other family members about the best plan moving forward and get help from a third party source if required. Singapore Women’s hotline 1800 777 5555 Mon to Fri 10am – 6pm. More important information in the following link “What to do If you are facing family violence”. If you’re not in Singapore please reach out to a help hotline in your own country.

I have good friends who have taken back their cheating partners and it is ultimately their decision, their choice, their life. It is up to them at the end of the day, not anyone else’s. They have their own journey to live out and there is a point in time where we have to let them lead their own lives and stop interfering. It doesn’t mean to say you can’t interfere and help where it comes to abusive relationships where your loved one may be in danger. Be mindful, be aware and get the necessary help if required.

Lasting Thoughts

Today, I see others going through the same experience with non-judgement and compassion. Yes, compassion! I see everything around me with compassion and showing compassion doesn’t mean agreeing with a situation that you do not agree with but looking at the situation from a different viewpoint and understanding that there’s more to it underneath the surface. It is all about observing the situation from a neutral point of view without judgement and without emotions such as anger or hatred getting in the way.

Don’t risk losing your relationship with your loved one for taking a cheating partner back because you judged them too harshly without seeing the bigger picture. We have to stop judging and see the situation through the lens of love. Learning how to release judgement and having a non-judgemental attitude is key for anyone wanting to progress on their spiritual and healing journey.

I have tremendous respect for couples who choose to stay and work together to save their marriage. I wish them nothing but the best.

Deciding to stay in a relationship doesn’t mean that the betrayal is accepted and forgotten about. There is a lot of work to be done. The couple will need time to figure out what went wrong in the first place and what led to the betrayal. If there is remorse shown and if both parties are willing to make the commitment to save the relationship, it is possible to make it work.

There was a period of time in my past where I wished things could have worked out but life had other plans for me, better plans. I had to go through the darkness to learn crucial life lessons which would eventually lead me to a path of joy and happiness. Looking at where I am now I could never have dreamed of being where I am today and I am forever grateful.

I have learnt that people can come into our lives to teach us lessons and when the lessons have been taught they will then leave one way or another. Some can leave and come back in the future and some can leave and never come back because their work is done and the lessons have been taught. Couples could be undergoing life lessons that they need to experience. A predestined journey filled with lessons for them to learn which is essential for growth.

People can play a huge part in determining the paths we take and sometimes all we need is one big and painful push in life to take a path we are meant to land on. I pray your path takes you on a journey full of love, gratitude and humility.

Sending you so much love today and always.

Shirley xx