How to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse Trauma

My Story

Once upon a time, I found myself in a marriage that I thought would last a lifetime. When the marriage crumbled right before my very eyes, I remember clearly being told that I didn’t play the role of a good wife and that it was all my fault the marriage ended. The thing was, I believed them and at the time, the words gaslighting or narcissism abuse weren’t something I had ever heard of before.

It was hard to understand. I was loyal, faithful, loving, caring, financially generous and gave every part of my heart, body and soul to this man. Even the baby I was pregnant with at the time wasn’t enough to earn any respect or love from this person or his family.

I believe I was two months pregnant when I hear for the first time, ‘I think you should get an abortion’ and I would hear it a few more times after that on separate occasions. I remember vividly replying, ‘If you want this baby gone, you’ll have to get rid of me first.’

I was utterly confused because we had both planned for this child, both wanted the marriage and now as soon as he had both, he wanted neither. I remember how he started to look at me like trash, a skinny pregnant girl he wanted nothing to do with. 

As the months rolled by, my whole world shattered knowing deep down it was the beginning of the end. My self-esteem was non existent and I felt invisible, feeling trapped in a never-ending bubble of pain, constantly being told or shown that I wasn’t good enough. He made every excuse to be away from home, was highly critical and had a negative response to everything I did.

Soon after, I would find out why, I learned about the betrayals, the different mistresses, the ‘girlfriend’ and how his friends had known the entire time. During the pregnancy, I would find out that my husband and his girlfriend went on holiday together to Hong Kong, convincingly telling me prior that he was going on a work trip, which of course I genuinely believed.

His girlfriend would later become his wife and it was hard to fathom how another woman could voluntarily and actively participate in breaking up a family knowing there was a baby on the way. However, that wasn't the worst part.

The baby I was pregnant with was the baby I almost lost, the baby who ended up in NICU for 2 months fighting for his life after being born 3 months prematurely.

You would think by this point my husband would have realized the consequences of his actions, but the betrayal and emotional abuse continued, and even in the hospital as I sat beside my 900 gram baby in the incubator day by day, I was never once comforted by the man who was supposed to. Not even a hug or a how are you doing. 

He always stood away from me, as cold as ice whenever he came round to visit and we would go home separately where I would usually cry myself to sleep. By this time I should say, we were already living apart. In NICU, only the parents are allowed to enter the unit, so I couldn't bring in someone who could support me. As badly as I was treated though at this time, I still wanted to save the marriage.

Mind you, my mental state was terrible at this point, and I couldn't see beyond wanting to keep the family unit together, despite everything that was happening.

A few months after our baby son was discharged from hospital, lo and behold I would find a completely different woman in my husband's bed and it honestly was starting to feel like my life was a Hollywood movie.

I cannot describe the humiliation of having to look at this woman in the eye, telling her as calmly as I could, 'This is my husband, please can you leave now, we have a newborn baby at home'. I remember her nonchalant and also calm response, packing up her very nice looking Chanel bag and trotting off as if I had just told her the weather forecast of the day.  

Strangely enough though, seeing the betrayal in person was exactly what I needed to cut myself out from this marriage, no more chances and this was it. I had to leave. 

To sum up the whole experience that I want to share with you here, yes let’s save lots more for that future book hey, it was years of emotional torment as I healed, realising that what I finally left was an unhealthy, narcissistic abusive relationship. 

So how did I heal from that experience?

When I say heal, understand I am still working with some of the traumas I have gone through, however I am able to find a deep inner peace and happiness as I continue to work on myself today. The most important thing I did on my healing journey was learning to love and forgive myself.

Remember, healing is a journey and not about reaching a final destination. It is another rollercoaster ride you will be on, so you can either throw your hands up and ride with the flow or you can go into it with resistance, bitterness and resentment.

Which do you think will help you advance on your journey and help you move forward?

With everything that I have learned over the last decade, I am now able to help others on their own journey and that alone brings me the greatest joy, as I too move along on my own rollercoaster ride.

I want you to know that despite what life throws at you, you can get through it and bring joy back into your life. Joy that perhaps once you never thought would return.

It is possible, I promise you.

Today, I still see women and men holding on to these toxic, unfaithful, narcissistic abusive relationships. They reach out to me for help and support and I will tell them the exact same thing I am going to share with you today.

Here are some of the things that helped me on my healing journey and I hope they can help you in some way.

1. You can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick

Meaning if you are still stuck in the same environment, situation or relationship that isn’t serving you, causing you pain or not making you happy then it is time to change that.

Staying there isn’t helping you and the longer you stay in this relationship or situation, the more unbearable it will become, until you create that change or that it is forced upon you. Ask yourself the important question, why are you holding on to something that no longer works and is hurting you? Holding on to pain, attracts more pain.

You can do a Marie Kondo in relationships too, if it isn't bringing a spark or joy into your life, it's time to say goodbye. By realizing your self-worth as you start working on yourself, you will know deep down when it is time to walk away and move on. 

Healing in general requires a big change in all aspects of your life, whether it's changing your thought patterns, behaviors, relationships, or environment. Mind you, changing your environment alone isn't going to cut it, but it's a major step towards where you want to be.

Remember, staying in the same environment that is contributing to your pain, distress and sadness can really prevent you from making necessary changes and healing fully. Be brave enough to walk away, be brave enough to put yourself first.

It will take courage to leave any environment you're familiar with, but you can do it, especially if you understand that you are one decision away from true happiness and finding a supportive environment or relationship that you can thrive in and reach your fullest potential. 

2. Creating strong and necessary boundaries

This is required especially with the abuser. Trust me this is easier said than done because it does require a lot of mental and emotional willpower.

Narcissistic individuals can be unaware of the pain they cause and they may not understand why you are taking certain actions against them, thus possibly making it harder for you to leave.

Narcissists tend to be natural charmers and manipulators, for example love bombing is one of the tools they can use to keep you close. Gaslighting can also be used to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Most likely, this isn't their first rodeo, so they know to find the best way to keep control that best benefits them.

In my personal experience, narcissists cause pain and turn it so that they become the victim in order to justify their actions, making you out to be the bad person, and with the gaslighting, you may end up believing it was all your fault, just like I did.

Be smart and observe when they are doing this, see the bigger picture.

Creating boundaries that work for you will take practice and over time you will master it with ease. It’s about making the boundaries clear and fiercely sticking by it. Don't be afraid to communicate them loudly and repeatedly as some people will need to be reminded of them more than once.

If someone is constantly disrespecting your boundaries, it's a clear sign that they shouldn't be in your life or at least someone to distance yourself from if there's no way you can cut them out completely.

There is also a process of trial and error with creating boundaries, see what works for you and if it seems to be working well, stick with it.

Over time however you may be required to reinforce these boundaries. Sometimes we can see an old pattern emerge but this time you know when and how to put it back in its place, and learn how to create an even stronger boundary.

Create as many boundaries as you need to and don't be shy. This will work towards your healing and how you move forward.

3. Claiming full responsibility for your journey

This is one of the biggest points I make with all my clients.

You are fully responsible for what happens now and the actions you take will determine how your life plays out from now on. Let me remind you that you have all the power within you to do what is best for you.

Are you really living a life that is best for you? Just like in point 1 above, it is your choice to extract yourself out of an environment that doesn't work for you anymore.

You are responsible now for what you are allowing into your life.

You can literally take one simple action today towards being in alignment with what you want. Today if you wanted to.

Right now you are in charge, don't give that power away to anyone else.

One of my biggest mistakes was waiting and relying on external help to get me through, which is usually in stage one of healing, having that victim mentality and wanting someone to pull you out of that pain, yes there are people who will help you with that, but the pain relief is temporary, until you begin to fully take control of the wheel and realize that the power is in your hands.

Finding ways to empower yourself will help you through this situation and will help you as you heal. Your power has always been inside of you, you just needed to be aware and reminded of it. 

4. Don’t bother waiting for an apology

Don’t bother waiting for an apology or for them to acknowledge what they have done. You don’t need any of that to move on and you certainly don't need it to forgive, if forgiveness is the path you are taking.

Would it be nice to receive a genuine apology?

Sure of course, it would be nice, but you don't actually need it to begin the process of self forgiveness and the forgiveness of others.

Most likely scenario as is often witnessed around me, the people who have hurt you won’t change into the person you were hoping for. Sadly, most narcissists do not realize the pain they cause and how their actions affect those around them. 

Healing from narcissism is a complex and challenging process that requires a significant amount of self-awareness, introspection, and willingness to change. It is a huge process and truth be told there's a lot of healing required for them too - for some victims, it's hard to admit this.

It is not your responsibility to change them, they're on their own unique journey so let go of the idea of needing to change them, let go of needing any acknowledgement or apology. You don’t need it.

Move on, move forward and save your precious energy to work on your own healing. 

5. Get lots of help during the process, LOTS

There is help and support everywhere around you whether they are professionals, friends or family or even kind strangers.

Sometimes we feel like we can handle it alone, but trust me, it makes things 100 times easier (and bearable) to have someone there by your side along this journey or simply someone to talk to and have them listen.

It is not to say that you can't heal alone, sure you can, but most likely it will take way longer to advance on your journey or to get to where you want to be. 

Remember some family and friends can be unsure of what you need and how to support you in the way that you want so if you can find the courage to communicate gently about what you need in a specific way, it can be extremely helpful for both parties and it can help avoid any misunderstanding later on.

Another important reminder is that sometimes family or friends will try and support you to the best of their capabilities, however, even though they feel like they are being helpful you could feel that perhaps they could have done more, from experience, don't take it too personally. They are not experiencing what you are experiencing and it may be hard for them to fully grasp what kind of support you need.

Nowadays, you can find support in person, online and pretty much everywhere if you open yourself to it. The key is being open and receptive to help and making the effort to reach out. Your therapist or life coach isn't going to magically appear in your house one day.

Thankfully, the majority of people are now recognizing the impact emotional abuse can have on an individual and people are feeling more validated and seen. There's now more help than ever before. 

Find an outlet that works for you, where you allow yourself to feel and express the range of emotions that come with healing from narcissistic abuse, for example with anger, sadness, grief, and confusion. Talking with a therapist or life coach for example can help you process these emotions in a healthy way. Don't be afraid to reach out and get professional help.

Start investing in your mental and emotional health, just as you would sign up for a gym membership to take care of your physical body, therapy or life coaching nowadays is easily accessible for everyone.

6. Practice self-care and mindfulness

I can't emphasize this enough and how much this will help you.

Prioritizing self-care activities will help you tremendously in your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Exercise regularly (movement is a great way to release pent up energy and manage emotions), eat well, get good quality sleep, practice mindfulness and engage in activities that you enjoy.

This is the time to identify your true passions and live by them because in that way you are putting yourselves in alignment for good things to come your way.

Spend more time with those you love, your friends, your family, your children, your pets. Surround yourself with loving energy and do what it takes to look after YOURSELF.

After my divorce, I enrolled in a gym, hired a PT, took up ballet as an adult (absolutely loved it), yoga and traveled as much as I could. I took up many courses in healing, particularly in angel healing, spiritual awakening related topics, meditation and energy work. I joined new communities, circles and met lots of new people socially (I was grateful for the distractions too) and through that made some wonderful friends and not to mention, *cough cough*, meeting my future husband. 

Also, don't forget the most powerful and simplest way to immerse yourself in that healing energy and that is being in nature. A simple walk alone in the forest or a dip in the sea does wonders to the soul.

What is something you can do that you have never tried before? Try something new, go for it and if you love it, stick to it. The world is full of new hobbies, passions and opportunities for you. Nature is all around and guess what, free of charge!

7. Regaining independence and self-confidence

Narcissistic abuse can undoubtedly leave you feeling stripped of your autonomy and self confidence. Sadly, some victims are manipulated to a point where they feel they need to be with their abuser in order to feel safe, accepted and wanted.

When the relationship is over, you will need to work on rebuilding your independence and self-confidence. Reclaiming this independence means breaking free from the control and manipulation of your abuser (even after they are out of your life) and rediscovering your own voice again.

You will have to relearn to trust your own judgments, abilities, decisions and instincts once again. Perhaps in the past you needed permission from your abuser to be able to do something, and now once you're alone, it can be daunting to take charge again.

The impact of narcissism abuse is huge and can linger within you even after the relationship is over. It will take ample time to get accustomed to being on your own again but you will get there as you heal, this is a process that can't be rushed.

Remember it is a rollercoaster ride and over time, you will learn to prioritize your own needs and boundaries as we spoke above in point 2. You will also gradually cultivate strength and resilience at the same time.

Do everything that you can to regain your independence and confidence because this will serve as a pathway to healing and a brighter, joyful future. I trust that you will get there.

To Conclude

Remember that healing from narcissistic abuse is a process that takes time, a lot of patience, and self-compassion. Be very, very gentle with yourself and allow yourself to progress at your own pace (comparing your journey to someone else's isn't going to help you).

You deserve to reclaim your sense of self-worth and rebuild your life again. You deserve the world, you deserve everything that you could ever want.

I want you to celebrate even the smallest victories and milestones along your healing journey.

Recognize your resilience and strength in overcoming everything you have been through, you should be so proud of yourself. I have so much faith in you and if I could do it, so can you. Don't give up, never give up. Baby steps is the key.

Feel free to reach out to me for more information with how I can support you. 

Lots of love, 

Shirley xx