Why do we hold on to pain?

Why do we still feel the pain from something that happened so long ago? Why is it so hard to let go of our past?

For many years I was holding on to pain. It was hard to accept what had happened to me and that the life I once knew was gone. It was an emotional torment, a constant internal suffering I could not get rid of. On a soul level I was broken, it felt like I had a huge hole in my heart. It was hard to accept the betrayal and that the person I married and loved turned out to be the cause of so much pain. Everyday I would relive the memories of the past and the anger and pain would come creeping back. It definitely felt much worse than any physical pain I’ve had and when it struck it would linger on for days or weeks until it started to fade away again. Soon after the pain disappears and I start feeling a bit better, the same pattern would repeat itself, haunting me again and bringing me back down to misery. I didn’t realize that the pain I was holding on to was festering inside of me and slowly eating me alive. I was trapped in a frustrating loop and I was tired of feeling this way because I knew I couldn’t move on like this. I wanted my happiness back.

So why can’t we let go?

We can’t let go if we haven’t accepted the past. Without acceptance, we can’t begin our healing journey. For some of us, pain is familiar and it becomes our identity. We become perpetual victims of what happened to us, reliving the memories over and over again and there is a huge fear of what will happen to us when we finally lose the pain, who will we then become?

We have a fear of starting afresh, because what if we get hurt all over again? We fear of losing what we used to have, the memories and the history we slowly built over the years. We think that all the time and energy invested in our past would be for nothing. Sometimes we cling onto the pain, hoping that the person or people who caused it will finally have a revelation and realize how much we are suffering whereby miraculously changing their behavior. That is not going to happen. We need to let go and learn to forgive.

We need to make the decision now to move forward, to make the decision to bring joy back into our lives. Believe it or not we can choose to be happy again. You will grow from whatever happened to you and you will gain the inner peace you deserve. Don’t let your past take up anymore room in your lives, don’t let the past take control of your present life. Let it be the greatest lesson you ever learnt.

How can I begin healing?

Acceptance

• Acceptance is the first step and will allow you to begin your healing journey.
• Acceptance creates a full understanding that your past is your past and nothing can be done to change that
• Acceptance is not a sign of weakness, it is a path that leads you to emotional freedom
• Acceptance is an act of surrendering that pretty much says “Hey universe, I am ready to have my inner peace, happiness and countless blessings.”
• Acceptance means you stop resisting and fighting the past so you can now focus on your healing. Remember that whatever you resist, persists

Release

• Identify and recognize the triggers that bring up the pain and find a way to minimize these triggers, find what works best for you
• Do not fight or resist the pain when it comes up. Allow it to surface, observe your emotions, don’t overthink, take a deep breath and release, change your focus to the present to clear the mind
• Releasing pain gets easier after time and you will know how to deal with any new pain you encounter in the future

Forgiveness

• Forgiveness is significant for your spiritual growth and healing journey
• Forgiving those who hurt you and as well as forgiving yourself is a choice you make to choose peace over pain
• Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or approving of what happened to you
• Forgiving is a process where you may have to do it over and over again until you feel you don’t have to anymore
• Forgiving can take years or even a lifetime to do and that’s okay

Positive thoughts and focus

• Your thoughts and words are ever creating your reality. You are manifesting your reality through your thoughts, emotions, and words
• When the past suddenly comes up, focus on the present.
• Focus on where you want your life to be right now and visualize it happening, feel the emotions as if it has already happened, this way you are telling the universe to bring it into your life
• Be aware of any negative thought that pops up. Brush it off immediately and focus on something else. Negativity only attracts more negativity into your life
• Remember energy goes where the attention goes

Invite your Angels in

• Invite the angels in and ask them to help you with forgiveness and moving forward
• Call the angels in for comfort and emotional support when you need it
• Ask your angels to always keep you surrounded by positive, loving and genuine people
• Look out for signs your angels may be leaving you for validation that you are on the right path and for guidance
• Trust your intuition and have faith in the angels and trust that the universe will provide you with your needs

Moving forward through the pain

You see repeating the past over and over again won’t change a thing, it will only eat you alive and prevent you from moving on. The people who caused you pain won’t feel your wrath and anger in the slightest. They have most likely already moved on, so you should do the same.

So what did I do? The best thing I learnt to do was to focus all of my attention on the present moment. I learnt to change my way of thinking. I utilized any pain that came up as motivation to be productive which also helped me to release the pain, I joined the gym, I went back to ballet, I tried out new hobbies and met lovely new people, including a man who would become my future husband. I socialized more than ever, started yoga and meditation, traveled to new places, spent time in nature, spent time with the people who loved me, my family, friends and of course my dogs. I cut out people who did not serve my highest good (and avoided anything and anyone that triggered my pain) and kept myself only surrounded by positive, genuine and like-minded people. I pushed myself to do things I have never tried before but had always wanted to. I joined spiritual workshops, saw healers and took healing courses. When I was going through a period of depression, I allowed the pain to resurface and let my loved ones come in and help me get through it, one day at a time. One thing I never did was to use my pain to take revenge or retaliate against the people who hurt me, that is a big no no in the spiritual world and will hinder your spiritual and healing progress. You can read my article ‘Happiness is the best revenge’.

The forgiving part? That was something I really struggled with, especially when the people who hurt me have never shown any remorse to this day or apologized for what they did. I fully accept that I will probably never get a sincere apology in this lifetime and that’s okay, I didn’t need it to move on. Do I forgive the people who hurt me? Yes I believe so, I’m no longer angry at them or hold any grudges. I did have to go through the forgiving process over and over again but it got easier after time until I didn’t need to do go through it anymore. They taught me a great lesson, made me wiser and a whole lot stronger. I have never told them in person that I have forgiven them and I’ll be honest with you I’m not sure if that will ever happen. I do not have a relationship with these people and it was an important boundary to create in order to move on. Over the years, I have learnt how to reinstate my inner peace and I am honestly happier than ever. As the quote mentions below, use your pain as a source of strength.

“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’ No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful the experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” 

Dalai Lama XIV

Lasting thoughts

Once you let go of your past it will be easier to release any other attachments that are not in alignment with your healing and spiritual paths, such as your environment, relationships, people or even material objects that are just not as important to you as they once were. You will feel lighter once the attachments and burdens are gone and you are making space to let love flow through you again. Practice gratitude everyday and appreciate what you do have. Don’t give up hope. The pain will fade away. It is not a race, it takes time and it can be one hell of a roller-coaster ride but once you get through it you will look back and see how far you’ve come and how much you’ve grown. With pain comes wisdom. We learn from it, we grow from it, we move on from it. Trust that the universe will provide countless blessings, love and happiness into your life again because it will happen. You must want it for yourselves. Put yourself first, make yourself a priority, no one else can do it for you.

Thank you for reading and I wish you all the best on your journey of letting go of your past and releasing the pain. You can do this. I hope you all have a great week ahead! Sending you lots of love.

Shirley xxx